Tragically Hilarious Tales About Love: Kisses & Snails One

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Some of this is just so tragic that it defies belief…

Who goes for a walk to get a sandwich and ends up getting her face bitten by an unhandsome stranger?? Rude rude rude rude rude. Face-biting is NOT SEXY. Do not go get anymore sandwiches after 10 p.m.

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Who goes to get a hammy ham sandwich in the middle of the night and ends up getting her face bitten by an unhandsome stranger? This girl over here. I guess the lesson in that is: 1. Don’t go buy anymore sandwiches in Brooklyn after 10 p.m. 2. Don’t go buy sandwiches in Brooklyn by yourself. 3. Don’t go buy anything by yourself. 4. Stay in the house for the rest of eternity to properly avoid men with teeth.

That way, all of us can avoid getting our faces bitten by cannibalistic men set on making your their girlfriend against your will. Tragic.

Isn’t dating as a black woman already hard enough without worrying about the next time you’re going to get a face-full of freshly buttered teeth? I think the hell so. I’ve been dating as a black woman since before I even reached womanhood. That’s how bad it is out here in these love-streets.

That’s just one happening. In the rest of these little lessons we will talk about the absolute horrors of trying to casually date, how to attempt getting over very sad one-night stands, what I fondly call “deadline dating”, sticking to some portion of your dating standards, the emotional abuse and manipulation that is so ripe in the world of trying to fall in love, and what happens when you no longer believe you can fall in love. The truest of all the tragedies.

We ain’t supposed to talk about that though. We’re supposed to be eternally hopeful that love is out there and believe that us, black women, are the problem. I’m here to tell you that we aren’t. Just like it isn’t my fault that I innocently went out looking for a salted sandwich with some tomatoes on it and ended up having some giant stranger sink his teeth into my face. I couldn’t have predicted that. Just like none of us could have predicted we’d still have troubles finding something that is supposedly as easy to find as love.

Love ain’t that easy. You aren’t being difficult for wanting the best love for yourself, you’re honoring yourself, and sometimes you need to experience some truly unfortunate things to get back to finding the love you deserve. I sholl hate it, but I’ve been there. Let’s go on this journey together as I present to you my own tragically hilarious stories about love.

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